amandapalmer.net - Latest Comments in Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

ephena — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 21:37:00 -0000

It's been a long time. I left them too.
Some part of me grew up, abandoned my black lipstick, stopped dying my hair, wore purple, and some green sometimes.

I'm moving this month. I'm going through the detritus of seven years of marriage, of living in this place. We will still be married in the new place, but I'm leaving behind the apartment where we were silly, and funny, and hung mexican blankets on the walls. Where we realized we won't have kids, Where I almost succeeded in killing myself. I was afraid that in giving up the geography, the old posters, the cracked CD covers, and the mix tapes from when I was a kid, that I was giving up some part of my history. That I was giving up the threads of the things that made me, the things that made me come back, the things that I thought I loved, but really only needed. The problem was I needed them with a ferocity that scared me, and I am afraid to let them out of my sight.

The new place is smaller, much smaller. I'm crazy and I'm not working, and rent is crazier than me. I'm looking around at my stuff, my treasures, my toys, my tools, my weapons, and I'm shaking, because they won't all fit.

Or I was.

I read your letter. I read it twice to make sure I wasn't flipping out because I'm a basket case. I don't really care what you actually meant, but what I heard is I can get back. I can find the music. I can hold on to the intangible, secret, beautiful longing. The sense of belonging, of finding your place, even when it is not a location. I can find the cure on itunes, or wherever, and go back. I can look for connection in music that I have tried so hard to put into objects. I don't need to run my hand over the jar that I kept bad tools in. I don't need to trip over the coffee table I passed out on, to feel, to get back into the world and out of my head. I can listen again, and feel, and let go.

There is a lot of music in my past, and I lost all of it. Or, I left all of it. The madness in my head pushed it all out, fired all the bands I had clung to, told me that it was dangerous to listen to joy division when I was crazy. I stopped fighting it. I tried to stuff my space with things, with visual reminders that I am still alive. I don't think I need them right now.

So, you needed to thank Robert, and I need to thank you. I'm going to cry for a while. But not the hysterical, dangerous, medicate me now crying. The soft kind. The safe kind.

Then, I'm going to pack.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

lentower — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 21:30:00 -0000

of course, part of why you are whom you are.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

ephena — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 17:37:13 -0000

It's been a long time. I left them too.
Some part of me grew up, abandoned my black lipstick, stopped dying my hair, wore purple, and some green sometimes.

Or I was.

So, you needed to thank Robert, and I need to thank you. I'm going to cry for a while. But not the hysterical, dangerous, medicate me now crying. The soft kind. The safe kind.

Then, I'm going to pack.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

lentower — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 17:30:52 -0000

of course, part of why you are whom you are.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Adam — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 10:22:00 -0000

Amanda,

I suppose I'm a year late to this, but I'm glad I read it and loved reading it. I came across something in the past week reminded me that I'd bookmarked this blog post when you first wrote it, and never revisited it. I'd been going through some old things from '04 that I've been clearing out of my grandfather's house since he passed in August, and I found the Ankh necklace I bought/made specifically to wear to the Curiosa festival that year. I guess that particular accessory could be attributed as much to the Sandman books (I suppose I'm blaming your husband, but in the kindest and most heartfelt way) as to my own complete lack of any idea regarding what one should wear to a Cure concert. I'd only started listening to them in 2001, though I wish I'd gotten Disintegration when it came out, as it surely would have given my life a much needed perspective and would have made me the coolest seven-year-old in North Texas (even then I thought New Kids on the Block were crap).

That was one of the single finest experiences in my life, engulfed in their all-encompassing sound, whilst lying slightly stoned in the grass, watching clouds drift past in a red sky. I'd just lost my first love, who was there (bought her a ticket months before), but everything and everyone melted away under Smith's beautifully anguished and hopeful voice.

The recent Disintegration and Seventeen Seconds reissues are the only WAV files on my mp3 player. I couldn't bear to compress them.

Their music was of that life-defining variety, as you had mentioned floods of memories coming back. There aren't many bands about which I can say that. "Close to Me" has a very special significance regarding the same very significant person that The Dresden Dolls' "Truce" reminds me of (still can't listen to that when driving, because I always break down sobbing), Ben Folds Five's "Regrets" and "Magic" which remind me so much of my grandmother, Bright Eyes' "No Lies, Just Love", and Leonard Cohen's "Love Calls You By Your Name", which always makes me think of a dear friend I lost this past year. There isn't much music that can do that, but you've achieved it as did Robert Smith and others mentioned. Thank you, by the way.

It was interesting about your comment regarding people calling their music "depressing". I've always had people make that comment about the music I listen to, but it's the same music that if it doesn't bring me out of depression, at least makes it more bearable. It's knowing there are others who actually FEEL, and I've often suspected that some people are quick to dismiss it with that term, because they are afraid to do exactly that--feel. But it's the other side that music like that presents, which accounts for the other areas of our sphere of emotional existence (and joyous, upbeat songs have an equally valid place as well). Regarding this and having read your quote from The People's Key on a later post, I suppose I was reminded of these lines from Bright Eyes' "Poison Oak":

Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench

And when I press the keys

It all gets reversed

The sound of loneliness makes me happier

Thank you for posting your letter. Thank you for making memorable, meaningful, and important music. And thank you for rocking the double denim as well.

Adam x

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Adam — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 06:22:31 -0000

Amanda,

The recent Disintegration and Seventeen Seconds reissues are the only WAV files on my mp3 player. I couldn't bear to compress them.

Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench

And when I press the keys

It all gets reversed

The sound of loneliness makes me happier

Thank you for posting your letter. Thank you for making memorable, meaningful, and important music. And thank you for rocking the double denim as well.

Adam x

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Bed Bath And Beyond Coupon — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 09:59:00 -0000

I’m sorry I left you, I want to thank you officially for changing my life….and I want to be a real fan again.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Bed Bath And Beyond Coupon — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:59:11 -0000

I’m sorry I left you, I want to thank you officially for changing my life….and I want to be a real fan again.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

itrademyoldshoesfornewfeet — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 20:38:00 -0000

whole time reading this blog i had on Disintegration, It was beautiful honestly. but what exactly do i wanna say?????? i wanna say that im glad you found your place where you belong but i'm not there yet. and the people around me are idiots AND thy don't understand. Most of the the people who wear black today DONT UNDERSTAND. They understand hot topic and lady gaga.I don't. I understand you. I feel alone.I wana make art like you, i wanna make art. I don't wanna have a fucking Suburb life, i see that as useless and pointless and i'm frustrated that i have not made it yet it. as an actor, as an artist.(am i making sense?,i'm just letting go) thank you for always being there amanda. and i'll always be there too.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

itrademyoldshoesfornewfeet — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 16:38:52 -0000

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Emmy. — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 22:12:00 -0000

You don't understand/know how much this blog post made me happy. I have been into the Cure since I was twelve/thirteen, and they are probably, by far, one of my favorite bands (besides you/the Dresden Dolls). I remember my friend letting me borrow Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me & I was in love as soon as the lyrics started on the first track. By the time 'Catch' started playing, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what true, pure happiness felt like--even if it was just for a simple moment. I am almost twenty (which I would never have expected to live past the age of sixteen), and I cannot express to you how much the Cure & you have inspired me, made me love music with so much immensity it's crazy. I assumed you listened to the Cure, but I didn't know you felt exactly how I felt whenever you/we were younger. I kind of lost touch with some of the Cure, since I didn't hear anything from the Cure after I purchased the self-titled Cure album (slightly after I bought the self-titled Blink-182 album JUST FOR the one track that featured Robert Smith). I still would pretty much do anything to feel pure bliss while seeing Robert Smith perform on stage (and the same with you).
I have been a fan of the Dresden Dolls for about five (maybe six years, but that's pushing it), as well as going so far to purchase Who Killed Amanda Palmer as soon as it came out. I've been wanting to see you live for ages, but you never come around Western PA. (It's okay, though, PA pretty much sucks ass & I would rather travel & see you if I could afford it!)
I just want to let you know that you totally racked up more than an infinite number of awesome points in my book, especially with this blog post. (I know, you've written this a super long time ago & I should have been a good enough person to have read this earlier, but I'm starting to get back into the swing of reading blogs, so please forgive me!)
If it was TL;DR, Robert Smith has been one of my favorite artists since I started becoming a teenager. You have helped me through the rest of my remaining teenage years, and you rock. Thank you for making my day, seriously. =]

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Emmy. — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 18:12:33 -0000

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Closertoheaven — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 10:59:00 -0000

i've never listened to your music and i think you're a little arrogant in a way that robert probably wouldnt appreciate, but a good friend of mine seems to like your stuff, so i'll take that out of my head to say that i really enjoyed reading most this; largely since im only 17 and i couldnt live through the cure's "heyday" of kiss me, disintegration and wish myself - it was nice hearing your story with them. i came across this googling the phrase "robert smith saved my life" to see if i could find any scribblings of like-minded people (i guess you can see how things have changed) and im glad i gave this a chance. you seem pretty cool, and whatever it is youre doing, rock on

- James Whyte

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Closertoheaven — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 06:59:44 -0000

- James Whyte

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

meridian. — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:09:00 -0000

i read this and completely lost it. there's a gap of almost thirty years between us, but what you went through at my age is exactly what's happening to me now. i guess this gave me hope. and i feel so much less alone. and i think i can make it. thank you.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

meridian. — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 20:09:45 -0000

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

SamTheButcher — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 06:25:00 -0000

Gorgeous.

I'm sitting here, crying, listening to "Pictures of You" and planning on listening to "Underneath the Stars" after this is over, even though "Plainsong", "Pictures of You" and "Closedown" are the best three songs to open any album, ever. Okay, I'll listen to "Closedown".

Thank you. I knew I had to read this, alone, with a glass of the Blood of Christ (though it clouds my eyes, I can never stop...never stop)

I have so many Cure stories. I've seen them twice. The Disintegration tour and the 4:13 Dream tour, at Red Rocks. They opened with "Underneath The Stars" and it was transcendent. Magical.

I was in a band for a while. I've had incredible feelings onstage, but I never got burned out by it. I'd love to be performing still.

But, and I'm sure this is old hat - I never knew someone felt the same way that I did. Or, rather, I never knew anyone who felt the same way.

Now I know a few, thanks to you and Dereck and others.

Thank you. And, of course, thank *you*, Robert.

-Sam

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

SamTheButcher — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 01:25:42 -0000

Gorgeous.

Thank you. I knew I had to read this, alone, with a glass of the Blood of Christ (though it clouds my eyes, I can never stop...never stop)

I have so many Cure stories. I've seen them twice. The Disintegration tour and the 4:13 Dream tour, at Red Rocks. They opened with "Underneath The Stars" and it was transcendent. Magical.

I was in a band for a while. I've had incredible feelings onstage, but I never got burned out by it. I'd love to be performing still.

But, and I'm sure this is old hat - I never knew someone felt the same way that I did. Or, rather, I never knew anyone who felt the same way.

Now I know a few, thanks to you and Dereck and others.

Thank you. And, of course, thank *you*, Robert.

-Sam

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Flor — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 09:39:00 -0000

What strikes me the most is how you recall being shy and reclusive throughout your teens and early 20s. You've (and yeah you're my You now, congrats) shown yourself to be fearless in your art and a powerhouse when it comes to socializing, networking, showing off and generally getting your name known and putting your work in everyone's ears. Maybe you don't think of it that way, but that's kind of what it comes down when you meet other musicians and they introduce you to photographers or writers or whoever and they become your friends.... And that's what it is when you Twitter and blog and have ninja gigs in the middle of the street.... The whole thing has consistently kicked my ass in 2009 (even though I'd heard of the Dolls off and on for a few years I didn't make myself pay attention until WKAP came out - and now I'm making up for lost time!) I've found that I've wasted a lot of my time being introverted and feeling like people should come over and get to know me - but only if they're cool, etc, etc. Well, I'm not really that snobby, I just can't think ofwhat to say to people most of the time, even when I'd dearly love to get to know them better.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I've spent this year with WKAP on repeat thinking that you're astoundingly outgoing and brave to talk to *everyone* and strike out on your own and all that. And it's really pushed at me to not sit back and be sad because I'm a full grown adult and my art is hidden on my computer. I need to get it done and out there and I need to force some attention my way even if the idea of that force freaks me the fuck out. I don't get stage fright exactly (BA in Theatre, baby) but I hate getting attention on me, as opposed to my work. I don't know how to shine when I'm just being me. If I can't enchant someone I can't stand the idea of just being chill.

It's eye opening, in the best way possible, Amanda, to see someone grow past all that and just live her life and make sacrifices and then come back around and rediscover her loves. I think all along I've been spending these past couple of years (years that have seriously KICKED MY ASS) wishing someone would convince me that it's going to be ok. And that's what your music does for me. It lets me know that it's going to be ok. I can do this. (aw fuck I'm crying now)

Thanks dude. And I hope your man doesn't mind I occasionally dream of making out with you.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Flor — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 04:39:20 -0000

Thanks dude. And I hope your man doesn't mind I occasionally dream of making out with you.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Double0Diablo — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:16:00 -0000

Thanks for the long and enthusiastic letter, it was an enjoyable read.

Although, while The Cure were my very favorite band from the early 80s to early 90s as well - I can't really relate.

I do admire the sincerity and enthusiasm, although the letter comes across as a little self-absorbed and childish for a 32 year old woman. But I guess it was all about channeling the inner 16 year old, which is cool sometimes.

I was never one of those miserable outcast Cure fans who felt Robert Smith spoke to me alone and society was clueless and everyone else just didn't get it. I never threw my whole identity into the look and style of the band.

I just happened to really like the sound of their music, and in particular, especially appreciated the stellar and original guitar work of Robert Smith and Porl Thompson. I attended every one of their local live shows and bought all of their albums on release date during this time. They really were my favorite band of that era, and music has always meant everything to me.

However, perhaps the reason Amanda lost track of the band after "Wish" is because they haven't put out much strong material since that time? For me, other than a few tracks on "Bloodflowers" - their studio output has been pretty weak and forgettable since about '92.

They remained very strong as a live band for some time, however. But I really feel their live sound took a big hit when they endorsed and started using Schecter guitars and stopped using Fender guitars on stage.

Everyone knows Schecter guitars are crap, and the tonality sounds like it. There is nothing like a vintage Fender Jazzmaster or Bass VI, so much a part of the Cure's signature sound.

The Schecter endorsement came across as a money-grab and a sell out (not that Mr. Smith needs it), and a huge compromise of their live sound, IMO. And while I was happy to see Porl come back, I remember reading that he was none too happy about now being forced to use a Schecter on stage for contractual reasons.

Losing the keyboards was the last straw for me. Sure, a band has the right to evolve, but the live renditions of many of their classic songs just do not sound right without them. Even amongst your euphoric enthusiasm in seeing them live again, I see you quickly noticed this.

So don't feel too guilty for moving on. You're doing the right thing focusing on your own music and evolving.

I can't help but thing of The Cure now as one of those formerly great bands that has stayed on way too long. If they would've stopped after "Disintegration", or even "Wish" - just think of the strong and cohesive body of work left behind.

While I'm sure Coachella was a fun and enjoyable time and I wish I could've been there, I can't help but feel The Cure has tarnished their legacy quite a bit over the last decade.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Double0Diablo — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:15:00 -0000

Thanks for the long and enthusiastic letter, it was an enjoyable read.

While The Cure were my very favorite band from the early 80s to early 90s as well - I can't really relate.

I do admire the sincerity and enthusiasm, although the letter comes across as a little self-absorbed and childish for a 32 year old woman. But I guess it was all about channeling that inner 16 year old, which is cool sometimes.

Everyone knows Schecter guitars are crap, and the tonality sounds like it. There is nothing like a vintage Fender Jazzmaster or Bass VI, so much a part of the Cure's signature sound.

So don't feel too guilty for moving on. You're doing the right thing focusing on your own music and evolving.

While I'm sure Coachella was a fun and enjoyable time and I wish I could've been there, I can't help but feel The Cure has tarnished their legacy quite a bit over the last decade.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Double0Diablo — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:16:16 -0000

Thanks for the long and enthusiastic letter, it was an enjoyable read.

Although, while The Cure were my very favorite band from the early 80s to early 90s as well - I can't really relate.

Everyone knows Schecter guitars are crap, and the tonality sounds like it. There is nothing like a vintage Fender Jazzmaster or Bass VI, so much a part of the Cure's signature sound.

So don't feel too guilty for moving on. You're doing the right thing focusing on your own music and evolving.

While I'm sure Coachella was a fun and enjoyable time and I wish I could've been there, I can't help but feel The Cure has tarnished their legacy quite a bit over the last decade.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Double0Diablo — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:15:31 -0000

Thanks for the long and enthusiastic letter, it was an enjoyable read.

While The Cure were my very favorite band from the early 80s to early 90s as well - I can't really relate.

Everyone knows Schecter guitars are crap, and the tonality sounds like it. There is nothing like a vintage Fender Jazzmaster or Bass VI, so much a part of the Cure's signature sound.

So don't feel too guilty for moving on. You're doing the right thing focusing on your own music and evolving.

While I'm sure Coachella was a fun and enjoyable time and I wish I could've been there, I can't help but feel The Cure has tarnished their legacy quite a bit over the last decade.

Re: Dear Robert Smith (an open letter)

Claire Brunow — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 20:38:00 -0000

I turn 18 in 24 days. I've been assessing what my life is going to be about. Of course, I'm only becoming a legal adult; I'm the one who decides when I'm finally grown all the way up. Honestly, I think that'll be when I die. I think being vague is extremely important. I've limited myself to how many times I post what I'm doing, or how many texts I send. There's a sense of privacy that I want to achieve as proof that I can live without people. Do you rely on people? If you do, does it worry you?